If you want to get your ex back or are experiencing a painful break-up of any kind, my heart goes out to you. I believe this is one of the most painful events you can experience–sometimes even more than the death of a partner, precisely because it is voluntary.
The second thing I want to say is, Please take heart. I will show you how to get back your ex in a way that is ethical and pleasant for you both.
No matter what your situation, or how much depression or anxiety you may be experiencing, there is always hope.
Like you, I too went through a painful break-up that lasted four years.
However, using the principles I will share on this website, I was able to stop my romantic rejection and am now happily married to this same person.
I have since coached hundreds of people in the art and science of how to get an ex back. In cases where this was just not constructive or healthy, I helped them break free emotionally and find love again.
One of the reasons a divorce or relationship break-up is so painful is because we genuinely do not understand why we are being rejected.
I have seen this in every client I have worked with. No matter how convinced you may be that you understand why you are being rejected — I can guarantee that you do not grasp what is happening emotionally within your ex.
Sometimes, even your lover or spouse does not completely understand why he or she is rejecting you and therefore cannot possibly communicate properly.
In other cases, your ex does know, and has tried for years to tell you want the problems are, but because you were afraid or stubborn, you haven’t had real empathy for him or her.
Believe it or not, the purpose of a break-up is to evolve you as a person–whether you want to evolve or not.
Either a) this rejection is teaching you to be more self-reliant and self-appreciative by asking you to move past this rejection, or b) the rejection is telling you that you must learn how to adjust better to a partner–or you will suffer rejection again.
On April 28, 1945, Adolf Hitler married his long time mistress, Ava Braun. That same night, Hitler tested out a cyanide pill on his pet dog, Blondi, because Soviet troops were closing in on his underground bunker.
Just two days later, on April 30, Hitler and Braun went into a private room and took their own lives with the cyanide tablets. Braun could have become rich by writing her memoirs, but she didn’t want to live without Hitler.
That there was a person who killed herself rather than be without Hitler shows us the most important relationship principle. (I wish to stress that by NO MEANS do I condone Hitler, undoubtedly the most evil person of the century).
I am merely pointing out that people do not gravitate towards you because of your “personality.” They gravitate towards you based on how they feel in your presence.
This is why you can be madly in love with a person one day and divorce the very same person five years later.
Years ago, a sports reporter accosted golf legend Jack Nicklaus and told him that golf was primarily a game of luck, not skill. Jack said, “Yeah, and the funny thing is, the more I practice, the luckier I get.”
Just like in business, wealth, and sports, there are natural laws or principles that govern success in relationships.
If you want to trigger love, friendship, or attraction in another person, you can learn these principles.Follow them, people will give you the love, respect, and appreciation you deserve. Violate them, and people will avoid you, no matter how attractive you are.
By learning these principles, you can be successful with anyone, including a person who has rejected you before.
Every client I’ve ever worked with to stop romantic rejection always makes the same mistake. He (or she) tries to convince his ex that they are ‘good together’, and that his ex is ‘making a mistake’ and she should give him ‘another chance.’
He then gives a long list of reasons why the relationship is so wonderful, including how much he loves her. This is a classic error that never works…ever.
Security lies in having a strong connection with the other person…a connection in which she trusts and feels passion for you.
That’s why the goal right now is to get to the truth of your lover’s experience of the relationship.
This is still a mystery to you, whether you realize it or not.
If you argue with him or her, you’re missing this basic goal of getting to the truth. And it’s one of the central reasons you’re being rejected: because you weren’t open to this truth during the relationship.
The more you argue for a reconciliation, the more you’re demonstrating that you’re not interested in your lover’s truth.
This is bad.
It causes your spouse or lover to conclude, once again, that he or she cannot trust you, because you’re not listening.
The second reason this approach doesn’t work is that you’re demonstrating fear.
Now fear is perfectly Ok, especially when you’re feeling traumatized by rejection.
So nurture yourself through your fear of rejection on your own (I’ll show you how).
Don’t make your fear your ex’s problem. This will only make him or her feel guilty…and the last thing you need right now is to be a big bag of guilt in your ex’s mind.
So how do you trigger good feelings in your ex and get back in the game?
You set a brand new goal, one that is worthy of both of you…one that leads to the truth.
Your new goal is to fix the problems in your relationship–except you’re going to do it inside a friendship with her.
Tell her this. Say, “I’ve been pressuring you to get back together, and I realize that this is making you uncomfortable because it’s not what you want. Although I’d prefer to stay married to you (or reconcile), I can see you’re not happy.
So, I’ve decided to accept your decision and start dating. If it’s Ok with you, though, I would like to be your friend…A genuine friend, not the kind who pretends to be your friend but leaves you if you decide not to reconcile. One of the big reasons I want to be your friend is because I want to fix the mistakes I’ve made.
In a way, I made a mess of things, and I want to clean up my mess.
I want to have a friendship with you in which I fix the mistakes I made in our romantic relationship. Then I won’t make the same ones in my next romance.”
After this conversation, you will be in a much better position.
You will have taken the pressure off her, making her more relaxed around you. You have also shown confidence by backing off.
Soon enough, you will finally have an opportunity to get to the truth and start mending the relationship.
And here’s the really cool part.
Either you’ll fix the problems between you and get back together, or you’ll fix things and you won’t care about getting back together, because whatever evolving you needed to do is done.
Either way, you win…first, because you transformed a troubled relationship to a healthy one, and second, because you’re not confused and hurt anymore. You’re confident that you can turn any relationship around.
If you’re sitting there thinking, “But Lisa, I don’t WANT to be friends with my ex. I just want him back, and it would kill me to watch him be single.”
If this really is your agenda –to just get your way, and you don’t really care how your ex feels or why he REALLY left you, and you aren’t interested in cleaning up your mess, then I can’t help you.
Why? Because you won’t benefit from my information. The timing is just not right, for whatever reason. Or, this person is not the person for you. When it’s the right person, you’ll climb Mt. Everest without a Sherpa to get her back.
But, if you grasp what I’m talking about, here’s the next piece of the puzzle in getting your ex back…
I just explained how to ‘get back in the game’ and trigger good feelings in your ex towards you again. Your next move to stop your divorce or lover’s rejection is to diagnose what really happened–why he or she rejected you.
This is tricky, because often the person who rejected you doesn’t exactly know.
However, it’s absolutely crucial.
Much of your rejection pain is stemming from your confusion.
Plus, how can you move forward and trust again when you don’t even know what happened last time?
1. You are pressuring your partner for more affection or intimacy, which is turning him or her off you.
This seems superficial, but there are reasons why people withhold affection and intimacy. If you don’t uncover these reasons and pressure your partner instead, then splitting up is inevitable.
2. Your partner is pressuring you for more affection or intimacy, and you feel suffocated.
Usually when you feel suffocated, it’s because you’re not honest and authentic with your partner; you are trying to please.
3. You are being inappropriately selfish and dominant in the relationship, i.e., primarily concerned with getting your way on things like money, leisure activities, child rearing, in-laws, etc.
If you are guilty of this, you will gradually lose respect for your partner, and she will develop resentment for you.
4. You lack self-assertiveness and are passive in the relationship; you are not honest with your partner and habitually place his or her needs before your own.
This makes you resentful, which can cause you to blow up and overreact, hurting your partner…not good. Or, your partner loses respect for you because you’re giving up on what you want to earn his approval. This creates a power imbalance in the relationship that makes both people unhappy.
5. You do not genuinely understand and have empathy for your spouse, and therefore aren’t communicating effectively with him or her.
This one is a biggie. It’s very difficult to get into the mindset of our partner because we tend to attract someone who is opposite to us in temperment…making it more difficult to ‘get’ the other person.
Sometimes, all FIVE of these problems are occurring in different areas of the same relationship at the same time, causing tremendous stress. Example: you are passive when it comes to getting your way about money, but overly dominant when it comes to the kids.
If you wish to reduce tension between you and place the relationship back on track, you will need to discover which problems were most prevalent in your marriage or relationship.
One thing I do know for certain: your partner gave up hope on getting something from you…and it was probably something she or he needed to feel genuinely loved.
Maybe he gave up on feeling hopelessly attracted to you, because you over-pursued him emotionally and smothered him.
Maybe he gave up on the experience of being accepted by you (loved unconditionally), because you criticized him too much.
Maybe she gave up on feeling like her needs mattered, because you were selfish and stubborn when it came to simple things, like helping around the house.
For today, I suggest you reflect on the five relationship mistakes.
Make some notes on your part in the relationship from this perspective.
Most importantly: Do not chastise yourself. We all make mistakes in relationships, usually unknowingly. Virtually all relationships can be repaired with effort, patience, and a little optimism.
It’s now the moment of truth in stopping your divorce or lover’s rejection…literally.
It’s time to call your ex and get the truth.
Today, you’re going to call your ex and discover which of these errors were part of your relationship.
You’re going to discover why your ex REALLY left.
Here’s exactly what to say: “Thank you for talking to me. I’ve started dating again and I don’t want to make the same mistakes in my next relationship that I made with you. If you’re willing, could you tell me exactly what the problems were in our relationship as you perceived them? I know you told me when you left, but I was emotional and not in a place to truly understand. You certainly don’t have to tell me, but I consider you a friend and would really appreciate your honesty.”
Your statement that you are dating takes the pressure off your ex and opens him or her up. (And, if you’re not dating yet, get an online profile up there right away. Don’t lie to your ex).
When your ex starts talking, be very quiet. Take excellent notes. Ask questions. For example, if your ex says, “You were selfish,” you can say, “How do you mean, exactly? How did this show up in our relationship?” Be very curious, laid back, relaxed, and non-defensive. Do not disagree or argue on any level. This will cause him or her to shut down.
Remember, the goal is to get to the truth of your lover’s experience.
It is not to convince her that she is wrong about you. You’ll never be able to do this until you get to the truth first.
When your ex is done, thank him or her again, and hang up.
If you ex insists that you were fine and she just needs time apart, this is usually ‘code’ for the fact that she felt suffocated in the relationship is afraid to tell you this.
A classic statement an ex will make when you are suffocating him or her is, “I just need space, and maybe we can get back together in the future.”
If she says that, you can say, “Fair enough. I’m wondering what I did when we were together to make you feel you had no space to be who you are?”
Now, let’s get you in shape emotionally to call your ex.
When we are being rejected by another person (romantically or otherwise), we tend to feel very ashamed, self-critical, and depressed.
This is natural, because we are not winning in the relationship–and we all want to be adored and respected by others.
First, you must stop being so self-righteous. You know what I mean. When most people are rejected, they react with disbelief and incredulity.
‘What? YOU are rejecting me?’
Then they put the other person down in their mind, insisting they are ‘above’ this person. They tell themselves that no one has the right to reject them…that they are above rejection.
This is silly. No one is above rejection.
There is a harsh truth to be faced about relationships: love is often unconditional, but relationships are not. You can be the most charming person alive, but you must understand that people accept or reject you based on whether you are meeting their needs.
I worked with a client once whose common law husband had left her. She was in shock, and extremely hurt and angry because he had the nerve to reject her.
“Why did he leave you?” I asked.
“Because I had an emotional affair with my ex-boyfriend the whole time we were together, and he got sick of it.”
Now, she was a special lady, but her shock and self-pity was quite irrational given how she had acted during their relationship. I’m not suggesting that every time you are rejected that you deserve it.
What I am saying is that it is Ok to have the experience of being rejected.
By accepting this idea, you reduce your emotional pain (because much of it was coming from the fact that you were demanding that everyone respond to you perfectly). You also put yourself in a position to find out why you are being rejected and either stop the rejection or move on.
You are relaxed and non-defensive.
Here a simple exercise that will help you. Sit in a quiet space and repeat to yourself the following statements:
“It’s Ok to have the experience of being rejected.”
Then say, “It’s Ok to love someone who doesn’t want me right now.”
Let yourself have your sadness.
Weep if you need to. This will begin to heal your sorrow. Once you’ve done this exercise a few times with openness, you will be in good shape to call your ex.
If you’re thinking, “What if my ex rejected me years ago? Wouldn’t it be weird to call now?”
Not at all.
You simply say, “You know, I realize now that I never really got you and your experience of the relationship. And it’s never too late to do emotional spring cleaning.”
If you’re thinking, “What if my ex judges me, thinks I’m weak and pathetic, or worse – hangs up on me?”
It’s possible that you’ve been pursuing your ex so much that he or she doesn’t trust you’ll listen and say, “I really don’t want to go over that again. I already told you 246 times.” If this is the case, then you can build trust by saying, “Fair enough. It has been pretty intense.” Then just have small talk and happy talk with her, and try again in a couple of months.
If you haven’t been pursuing your ex, and you treated her with tons of respect, and she STILL refuses to talk to you about this, then she simply feels guilty and is acting like a child. If your ex is acting like a spoiled child, and you still want his or her approval, this is a problem…but there is a way out, which I’ll show you.
At this point, you may or may not have had “the talk”, and even if you did, it’s possible you are still confused.
Here’s my primary theory about why there’s so much confusion out there.
It’s become okay to lie to the people we love.
Not just when there is a break up, but quite regularly DURING our relationships.
What do I mean when I say “lie”?
I mean that we hide our true wants and needs.
I’ll start with three common relationship mistakes:
1. You over-pursue the person for time, intimacy, and affection by initiating too much contact. You know on some level you’re over-pursuing, but you just can’t seem to stop. This makes the other person feel suffocated and he struggles to connect to his passion for you.
2. You criticize and complain your partner about his flaws, making him feel inadequate and guilty. While your criticisms are usually justified, you don’t realize how much you are hurting your partner, plus you don’t know how to get him to change without complaining.
3. You are overly dominant and selfish in the relationship, and don’t like to share power. You get your way on most major issues such as leisure activities, money, vacations, etc. When your partner asks you be more flexible and giving by doing what she wants, you tend to ignore and minimize her requests.
There is a lot that goes into creating these common errors, and I don’t want to oversimplify — I’ll explain why they happen later on.
For now, let’s combine these typical problems with the fact that it’s become perfectly okay to lie to people we love.
So, let’s imagine you over-pursue.
Your boyfriend comes home from work and wants to chill out on his own, but when he says, “How was your day?” you answer him with a 45 minute rant about your boss.
But, he’ll never tell you this directly. He’ll just communicate his need for space by watching the sports highlights while you’re talking. His actions are saying, “Baby, I just want to unwind and watch sports right now.”
But his words are pretending he wants to talk. “Really? No kidding…What a day you had!”
Later, when you want to gaze into his eyes, he’s not really into it, because you’ve already forced him to connect when he wanted some alone time.
This is a typical “lie” a person lives in a relationship to get along. And, he’ll believe he’s doing the right thing, because in our culture, it’s perfectly acceptable to misrepresent what we want — all in the name of rapport.
Plus, the last time he tried to tell you, you may have pouted until he paid more attention to you.
Let’s take a different example.
Your wife is superwoman when it comes to maintaining the house, but you don’t really pull your weight…because you take on the lion’s share of responsibility for making money. It’s your silent ‘deal’ with each other. And while she’s happy to do it, sometimes she wants you to show your appreciation by making dinner. She feels loved when you do things for her, and making dinner is her favorite romantic thing.
You mean to get around to it, but you rarely do. To you, it’s a small thing, and you show her you love her in your way.
Secretly, though, your inability to show love HER way makes your wife feel unloved, and she reacts by feeling annoyed towards you. She even stops asking you to make dinner altogether, because having to ask you defeats the point. The point is that she wants you to understand how she feels loved.
…therefore she “lies” by giving up on the issue, pretending that it really is no big deal.
In both of these examples, the people being “lied to” are always shocked to discover their partners are unhappy.
The claim they “never knew” how bad it was.
Are you getting me here?
Are you starting to see how conditioned we’ve become to lying about our needs, and how much pain this creates for both people?
Are you also starting to see that unless you encourage honestly and authenticity in each other, you’ll never really know your partner during the relationship, let alone at the end of it?
Now, don’t get me wrong –a few white lies can be essential in a relationship.
“Do these jeans make me look fat?” should always be answered with a little white lie (or a teasing, ‘Yes, those jeans make you look super-fat.’)
But, lying about our core needs is just not a good habit to get into. It creates resentment and numbness.
At this point, I want you to make a brutally honest list of everything your partner talked about in your relationship that troubled her or him. Include everything, no matter how small.
Then, steel yourself with courage and read it slowly and carefully. Write down where you need to eat some ‘humble pie’ because you simply weren’t listening, or because you didn’t want to meet his or her needs.
But, don’t chastise or berate yourself. Rejection is painful enough – you don’t need to add to your troubles. Simply shine the light of consciousness on the relationship for a little while, accepting yourself in the process.
It’s perfectly okay to make mistakes; it’s perfectly okay to feel regret, too.
The bottom line is this: if you are being rejected, there are reasons why this is happening. You are not unlovable, nor did you purposely mess up your relationship. If this is the person for you, you can reverse this rejection. And if he or she is not the person for you at this time in your life, you can still uncover what happened and prevent yourself from being traumatized again.
Next, I recommend you download my FREE Ebook, Stop Romantic Rejection Now. It’s free and it will give you more detail on the next steps in the process. I’m giving you this information on a complimentary basis because when I was going through my break up, I had real difficulty finding a source that was genuinely helpful. I wasted a lot of time and money, and endured much heartache. If, after reading this downloadable Ebook, you would like some coaching from me on how to stop your divorce, you can send me a quick email at the address below. If my schedule permits and I’m accepting new clients, I will arrange a brief chat with you to see if you are a good candidate for personalized, one on one telephone coaching with me. I only accept clients I can help.
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