by Lisa Lane Brown
“Q. My husband and I have somehow slipped into the ‘friend zone.’ It’s easy for us to discuss practical stuff like our vacations but there’s no spark left. I find myself wondering if still in love with him, how a relationship changes with marriage, where the passion has gone, etc. Where do I go from here?”
A. This is one of the most common and completely MISUNDERSTOOD problems in relationships today.
And because it’s so misunderstood, virtually every person I’ve known who wants more passion makes the same mistake.
He alternates between…
a) pressuring his lover for lovemaking, and
b) backing off and sulking about it.
When he pressures, he either:
1. Grumbles about the lack of lovemaking
2. Lays a guilt trip, or
3. Starts an argument about it (including threatening to leave)
When he’s not pressuring, he backs off and sulks.
Sometimes he pretends he doesn’t care about sex.
He takes a “You can’t fire me, I quit” stance.
Deep down he feels ENTITLED to lovemaking and is secretly blames his spouse for the lack of passion.
The problem with this method is that it doesn’t work.
Oh, your spouse or lover will probably throw you a bone from time to time.
But there won’t be much REAL passion in these “sessions.”
They’ll tend to be perfunctory.
Pressuring your partner for sex doesn’t work because you’re missing the key point.
The key point is that you don’t know WHY your partner has cooled off.
(And no, it’s not because you’ve been married a long time…share the same bathroom…are overworked…or put on a few pounds).
And because you don’t know WHY, you’re suffering.
Secretly you’re scared your partner has stopped loving you.
This is a very painful place to be.
Not only do you feel rejected, you’re totally confused as well.
That’s why the first step to take is always to uncover the WHY (and not necessarily by pressing him or her to answer this question).
To successfully uncover the WHY, the first thing you do is realize that you don’t need to get so bent out of shape by the sexual rejection that you cannot step back and be a little objective about the issue.
Chances are, whatever “complaints” your spouse has that are causing her to shut down, she’s mentioned them in the past.
You probably never just never linked them to your sexual stalemate.
Example: once I worked with a delightful man who was genuinely puzzled about his wife’s lack of sexual interest in him. They loved each other dearly and precious children together.
Under further questioning he confessed that she had left him once, years ago. Seems this man has a bit of a temper and is prone to yelling when he’s upset.
When she left him, she made it clear that she could not abide the yelling…so he stopped. In recent years, though, the yelling had slowly crept back in.
Lo and behold, his yelling was precisely why she was not responding to him sexually.
Sometimes we just cannot see “the forest for the trees.”
We see a detail, but we’re so emotional in relationships we cannot step back and see how it relates to the big picture.
That’s why I believe we owe it to ourselves to learn as much as possible about relationship mastery – including how to stop feeling sorry for ourselves long enough to get what we need from the people we love.
Fortunately, I’ve paved the road for you in with my absolutely free 33 page PDF Training Guide, “How To Stop Your Divorce, Save Your Marriage, or Get Your Ex Back FAST.” This Guide will show you exactly how to trigger love, attraction, and unshakable confidence in your relationships in the shortest time frame possible.
I believe you deserve to have the passion and love back in your marriage, this Training Guide will get you started in the right direction, because I will take you step by step into the principles of happy, harmonious relationships from the inside out. You will see results quickly, even if you are the only person who wants to improve the relationship.
Lisa Brown is the founder of the Courage to Win and is considered the world's leading expert on deep mental toughness for success in career, love, and sport. She has personally coached over 7,200 achievers to new heights and conducted over 1,300 live seminars on mental toughness across North America. She has been featured by major media including the New York Times and Entrepreneur Magazine, who called the Courage to Win “a straight-forward guide to success, highly recommended.”