by Lisa Lane Brown
I’ve found that the less love and appreciation you’ve gotten in a relationship, the harder it is to let go of your rejection pain.
Because you’re not winning with this person, and you’re competitive.
You want to win.
You want to get the love you deserve.
And giving up your rejection pain feels like losing. This is natural, and I feel your pain…I really do.
But right now, your priority is not winning (not yet).
Your priority is making yourself confident and strong so you are capable of getting the love you want.
That’s why you MUST cure your need for this person’s approval.
You start with total honesty.
I talk to people all the time who are lying to themselves.
They’re pretending they don’t care about approval.
At a dinner I was at recently, the host announced: “If someone doesn’t approve of me, I just dismiss them.”
Now this is a bit naive. Deep down, we all want approval.
We actually need it, because life is a team game.
Want a job?
You need the boss’s approval.
Want to be the boss?
You need your team’s approval.
Want to be married?
You need your spouse’s approval.
You get the idea.
Ok, so you start by acknowledging your desire for approval.
Now it’s time to change your mindset.
Up until now, you have been COMPLETELY buying into this person’s opinion of you.
And because you’re getting rejected, you’re questioning yourself.
Questioning that you’re a good person.
Questioning that you’re attractive.
Questioning that you’re sexy.
Now, questioning yourself isn’t always a bad thing — IF you need to change.
That’s why the second step is to determine if you need to change.
What were you REALLY like in the relationship?
Did you listen to this person and consider his feelings?
Were you generous (without being passive)?
Did you give him emotional space? Or were you clingy?
Were you selfish? Cold? Defensive?
Were you argumentative? Stubborn? Narcissistic?
If your behaviour was a problem, that’s Ok.
Remember, you’re a work in progress. You’re entitled to make mistakes.
If you were lovely — and you know it — then stop questioning yourself.
You don’t need this person’s approval.
You only think you do.
You’re questioning yourself because it’s a habit – a habit you’ve had for a very long time.
It’s actually easy to give up the habit when you decide to think for yourself. Most people have a hard time giving up this habit.
They stay emotionally dependent on people who don’t treat them well. They may go so far as to “attract” bad situations and rejection pain.
They do this because they are still do not really know WHY the other person is not responding to them.
Here is the secret reason a person who supposedly loves you is avoiding you, acting unfriendly, or is just plain turned off:
On a fundamental level, you do not accept him or her.
You might have deep feelings of love for this person, but you have not learned how to accept him yet, warts and all.
And, he knows it.
You see, people want to be around us based on how they feel in our presence.
If they feel judged, inferior, or not accepted on any level, they will shrink from us.
(Remember: I am talking about people who love you, not people you just met or hardly know you. If you are getting rejected by these people, that is a different matter).
Consider the person whose approval you so desperately seek.
Deep down, do you fundamentally accept himÉ
If not, you have some work to do. Or, you can make peace with the fact that until you accept him, he will truly approve of you.
But you cannot have it both ways. You cannot secretly judge a person as inferior, or narcissistic, or flaky, or selfish and then be shocked when he is not that pumped about you.
And, if you want in-depth training on the principles of Relationship Mastery, you can make rejection pain a thing of the past and have enduring love, friendship, and passion in your life.
My Relationship Mastery Program helps you take emotional dependence and replace it with confidence. Your relationships will seem easier, but it will be you who has changed.
Get more information on my Relationship Mastery program here.
Lisa Brown is the founder of the Courage to Win and is considered the world's leading expert on deep mental toughness for success in career, love, and sport. She has personally coached over 7,200 achievers to new heights and conducted over 1,300 live seminars on mental toughness across North America. She has been featured by major media including the New York Times and Entrepreneur Magazine, who called the Courage to Win “a straight-forward guide to success, highly recommended.”