What to Say Under the Fire of Criticism

Dear Friend,

       It is easy to neutralize anyone who is criticizing you, even an office bully.

       Step 1. Immediately say the phrase, 'Fair enough.'

       This suggests the person you are dealing with is a reasonable person, which calms him down.

       Step 2. Find at least 10% of what the person is saying to agree with.

       I've never known anyone to be 100% wrong.

       If you disagree with someone who is being aggressive with you, he'll just become more stubbornly entrenched in his position. It's just human nature.

       But, if you can find 10% of what he is saying to agree with, you will immediately diffuse the situation.  Here's an example of Steps 1 and 2 together:

       Client: 'Lisa, this seminar sucks. Not only did you brush me off this morning when I tried to say hello to you, but I'm not getting anything out of it.'

       Lisa: 'Fair enough. Sometimes at the beginning of a seminar I'm a little preoccupied with the equipment and I'm not as good a listener as I should be. I'm sorry about that.

       However, the most important thing is that you feel as though you're wasting your time here.'

       Notice that I didn't agree that the seminar sucks. I agreed that I was a little pre-occupied and showed listening for the fact that he is not enjoying the seminar.

       Step 3. Find out what he wants by asking good questions.

       Never let anyone criticize you by making sweeping generalizations such as, 'You're an idiot, you're insensitive, you're selfish, you're a jerk.' Always ask for clarification. Say, 'Exactly how am I a jerk?' so that you can uncover what this person is communicating and more importantly, what he wants.

       When people are angry or frustrated, it's usually because they want something but feel helpless to get it. So, they are overly aggressive in an attempt to get it out of you.

       Lisa: 'May I ask what you were expecting in the seminar?'

       Client: 'I thought you were going to tell me how to improve my leadership through better time management... I'm dealing with 235 staff and I'm overwhelmed.'

       Step 4. Give the person what he wants. If you can't, help him get it somewhere else.

       You can usually find a way to satisfy his request. If it's impossible, you can apologize, offer a refund, or ask the person what you can do to help.

       Lisa: 'Excellent. That's helpful for me to be able to customize this training. Would it be appealing if I included an hour this afternoon on time management?'

       Client: 'Yes, that would be great.'

       Before going into a meeting with a person who tends to criticize or complain, prepare yourself to use the 10% agreement strategy. You'll be surprised how easy it is to respond to criticism with mental toughness.

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your friend,
Lisa B.