How to Regain Your Confidence

Dear Friend,

       When Boston Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester was diagnosed with cancer, he lost touch with the trademark of his young baseball career --his confidence.

       Lester, 22, the best prospect in the Boston's system, went to the hospital for a sore back after a car accident. Tests revealed that Lester had cancer, and he was diagnosed with a treatable form of lymphoma. The Sox had brought up Lester from the minors early in the season because he had the stuff---and the confidence---to pitch at Fenway Park. Then came the diagnosis.

       'I'm 22-years-old. I was in the best shape of my life coming out here. I thought, 'What could be better?' said Lester.

       Now, Lester is struggling emotionally as well as physically. He wonders, 'Why did it happen to me? What did I do wrong?'  Lester is planning a comeback, and will likely be on top again. Yet, his story has something to teach us about re-gaining confidence.

       The Myth of Losing Confidence

Have you ever heard an athlete say, 'I've lost my confidence'?

       Have you ever said it?

       Losing your confidence is common, but if you understand what is happening to you, you can get it back.

       You don't 'lose' your confidence. It's not under your bed or in your car.

       You suppress your confidence.

       Confidence is not a character trait. It is an emotion.

       It is within you, and it always will be.

       It's just when something upsetting happens to us-- a big loss, a poor performance, a trauma outside sport-- we instinctively suppress our shame, sadness, and disappointment. Without trying to, we also suppress our positive feelings (including confidence), because the only way to suppress any feeling is to numb our entire feeling function.

       Simply put: we don't have the luxury of being able to suppress only negative emotions. If we avoid feeling our fear, sadness, and disappointment, we sacrifice our personal confidence.

Steffi's Confidence Battle

       Lester is not the only great athlete to struggle with confidence after a huge disappointment.

       When tennis star Steffi Graf learned her father had allegedly fathered a child in an extra-marital affair, she quickly lost her connection to her unshakable confidence. Steffi seriously considered laying down her racket forever:

       'For the longest time, all I wanted to do was to get away from everything and everyone, including tennis,' she said later.

       At the French Open final, Monica Seles defeated Steffi 7-6, 6-4.

       Steffi's air of invincibility had been destroyed. She admitted that she was not her 'old self' and that her confidence had deserted her. Steffi was blunt about who was to blame. 'In Paris and Berlin, I did not just lose against Monica Seles, I was defeated by an opponent who was not even on the court.'*

        Suppress Fear, And You Suppress Confidence

       When we lose confidence, it's often because we've muted our feeling function to avoid our negative feelings from a recent trauma or disappointment.** Suppress the negative feelings, and you suppress the positive feelings too.

       Suppress fear, and we suppress confidence.

       Suppress sadness, and we suppress joy.

       Suppress shame, and we suppress pride.

       When Steffi suppressed the shame of her Dad's affair, she suppressed her confidence too.

Mental Toughness Lesson

       The idea of suppression allows you to realize that your confidence is never gone--only temporarily suppressed. If you lose a big event or hassled by a problem outside sport, you may be tempted to suppress your shame and sorrow. You may say to yourself, "I won't let things get to me."

       But there is a price for suppressing your feelings for too long.

       When you push away negative emotions, your confidence will temporarily disappear too.

       The good news is that you can re-gain your confidence with a little effort. The easiest way is to remember the last time you felt confident while competing; or, imagine being connected to someone you love.

       If you do this exercise for real, all your feelings will come flooding back to you, and you will have access to confidence and joy again. You will need to address your fear, anger and sadness about your disappointment, but if you learn how to handle these feelings properly, this process will evolve you.

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your friend,
Lisa B.