How to Make Yourself Irresistible

Dear Friend,

       I've learned a secret about what's going on 99% of the time when someone is not giving you the respect, admiration, or love you want. It's a secret that probably not in 1 in 1,000 people will ever figure out on their own.

       Think about the last time you felt unappreciated at home or work.

       Didn't at least part of your distress stem from the fact that you had no idea why this person wasn't responding to you?

       I think the reason why we don't figure out the secret to making ourselves irresistible is that it's the opposite of what we've been taught about relationships.

       Let me explain...

       Most of us are taught that when a relationship is struggling, we should be extra nice, thoughtful, and giving. These are wonderful qualities, and we should all strive to have them. In my view, these qualities enhance all relationships. However, they are not always the key to getting respect, appreciation, or love from people who are withholding it from you.

How To Make Yourself Irresistible To Anyone

       Take out a piece of paper and draw a circle in it. Then, put the initials of the person you're seeking appreciation from in the middle of the circle. Now, put your own initials outside the circle.

       Here's how the circle works.

       Whenever you are inside another person's circle, this person has trouble connecting with his respect, admiration, or love for you. In the extreme, he may even develop contempt for you.

       Whenever you are outside his circle, he appreciates you. He is attentive and considerate. He goes out of his way to connect with you. The key to making yourself irresistible to someone is to stay outside his or her circle.

      The circle applies to all relationships: your friends, your lover/spouse, your co-workers, and your children.*

How We Get Inside The Circle

       We get inside another person's circle by over-pursuing. In every relationship, one person is more in touch with the need for connectedness (the pursuer), while the other is more in touch with the need for independence (the pursuee). I call this the pursuit dynamic.

If you are the pursuer, you tend to want more time, more listening, more affection, and more intimacy. If you are the pursuee, you tend to want less conversation, less time together, and less intimacy. This dynamic applies in all types of relationships: lovers, spouses, friends, family members, and colleagues.

The pursuit dynamic is the first one to show itself in every relationship. It is the dynamic that governs attraction between two people. If it is reasonably balanced at the beginning, the relationship has a chance of lasting. Otherwise, it will die a quick and painful death. If the pursuit dynamic is not managed well, it becomes unbalanced. When this happens, most people will do one of two things:

1. If you are the pursuer, you will over-pursue. Without realizing it, you will pressure the other person for more connection, affection or respect, causing him to her to withhold it. Over-pursuers are often female.

2. If you are the pursuee, you will feel suffocated and avoid connecting. The other person is pressuring you for more connection, affection, or respect, and this triggers negativity in you. People who avoid connecting are often male.

Over-pursuing violates a basic rule of attraction between people: Any person pursued runs away.

Sometimes, here are some examples of over-pursuing:

       We wait around for them instead of making plans;
       We ask for direction on tasks when we're really seeking approval;
       We call them and tell them we're lonely or miserable;
       We socialize with them when they're trying to work;
       We call too often;
       We check up on them and judge their choices;
       We become bossy or controlling;
       We complain about their lack of consideration; and,
       We lay guilt trips ('you should have called').

However, often our pursuit is more subtle:

       1) We talk too much. This says, 'Please give me your attention'.

       2) We talk to impress people. 'You work for Shell? I know their Vice-President of Human Resources.' This says, 'Please give me your approval'.

       3) We act victimized and cold when we think someone is not giving us the time or attention we        think we deserve. 'I just want you to put in a little effort.' This says, 'Please show me I'm worthwhile.' It also says, 'I want you to conduct this relationship my way.'

       4) We are overly giving, and set aside our personal needs. 'I'd really rather go somewhere else,        but it's no big deal.' This says, 'I want your approval so much I'll put you ahead of me. Now, in return, please give me appreciation I want.'

       5) We criticize people in an effort to control them. 'Why don't you get a job at the golf course this        summer? It's better than being on MSN all day.' Or, 'You've got to put in A LOT more
       hard work if you want to beat the Conference Champions.' This says, 'Please turn into someone different so I can feel good about myself.'

       6) We dote on people with over-the-top affection. 'You're the most magnificent woman I've ever        seen, and I can't believe how lucky I am.' This says, 'I'm not sure I'm worthy of you.'

       I don't wish to imply that you should feel ashamed if you are over-pursuing; we all do it from time to time. These are natural responses to feeling rejected. I am merely pointing out that if you want to be more successful with another person, you might want to consider moving outside the circle by balancing the pursuit dynamic. Let the other person initiate contact and conversation.

       The other person will immediately appreciate you more, and you will feel proud of yourself for being more effective in the relationship. That's the beauty of the circle. You can always jump outside it and become irresistible again.

I'll talk to you again soon.

Your friend,
Lisa B.

*Homer MacDonald, Stop Your Divorce,